I know. I’ve been gone a long time. No excuses. I don’t like being away so long, and I’m sorry I disappeared.
I’m sitting in a hotel room in Franklin, Tennessee waiting for the Jerry Jenkins’ Your Novel Blueprint writer’s meet up to start. The event is still 4 hours away. I should spend that time being productive. With everything going on in my life, you’d think I would, right?
But I’m overwhelmed by the “have to’s”, “must do’s”, “should do’s” that fill my mind. Because all the “want to’s” take a back seat, I shut down, click on social media and waste time.
So there I was on Facebook when up popped a memory from two years ago. Two years ago I was in Israel at Tel Shiloh standing and filming from the place where the Tabernacle stood for over 400 years. I was living a dream: traveling to God’s land with His people.
Want to know what’s weird? I live in south Florida and drove to Tennessee (no, that’s not the weird part, although…).
South Florida is flat land. Our only hills are mounds of garbage covered with earth and grass, affectionately referred to by locals as Mt. Trashmore in most cities with such a one. As I was driving over the highways surrounded by hills with roads cut into the rocks, I couldn’t help thinking about the roads in Israel and my time there. Then up pops this memory and I can’t help asking, “What are you trying to tell me, God?”
You see, I got lost along the way. Two years ago I knew the call on my life. Two years ago I was moving in the direction God wanted me moving in. Everything set right in my spirit. Then it all fell apart and nothing was right anymore. I stopped going to synagogue; stopped hosting events; stopped leading Torah studies… even this blog suffered neglect. Everything I was doing for the Kingdom and every creative endeavor came to a screeching halt.
The only thing I’ve done is work, eat, sleep, repeat.
All the while my mind fills with ideas, plans, goals, and dreams but my body is on this vicious cycle of work, eat, sleep, repeat.
The Word says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” My heart is so sick. I cry out for my Father to rescue me, to help me be useful for Him again! Oh, to move and walk in His ways again!
After meeting several classmates at a dinner last night, so many of them finished their novel. While I am thrilled for each one, I came back to the room depressed, feeling like a complete failure. I checked my email and watched a YouTube ad for a course on how to grow your channel (YouTube is another thing I want to do.) While I have no intention of taking another course, the ad spoke to my situation, reminding me how trapped I am in work, eat, sleep, repeat.
Yet, I know my Redeemer lives. He has plans for me, plans to advance His Kingdom. The video ad spelling out my current situation, the feel of driving through Israel, and the memory on Facebook of filming in Shiloh all attest to my Father speaking. What He is saying I’m not sure. But He’s talking and I need to listen – or get “Left Behind”.
What about you? Are you stuck not doing what you know you should? Is God talking but you’re not listening? How can I pray for you?